September 15, 2019
The wife shared this so I will too.
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.”
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.”
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!”
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said –
“I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last week!”
September 8, 2019
The biggest swindler in the world dies and finds himself before the gates of Heaven and St. Peter, who says, “Come on in man!”
Confused, the swindler questions, “But I thought I would be going to Hell for all of the bad things I did.”
St. Peter replies, “Oh, we don’t keep records here, it’s too much work!”
The swindler goes in, and is once again surprised to see tons of beautiful girls whipping themselves. He asks St. Peter, “Why are they doing that?”
St. Peter answers, “Ah, those are all of our virgins. They just found out we don’t keep records, too!”
September 1, 2019
A few years ago Vera and I went to Rome on a Youth Pilgrimage. We were visiting one of the major churches during a time of restoration. There was scaffolding all around as the frescos were being worked on. There were a couple of men working on the fresco on the ceiling. We noticed a little Italian lady enter, genuflect, enter the pew and begin to say the rosary.
Then we heard a voice say, “Little old lady, this isa Jesus. I wanna to talk with you.” The lady was deep in prayer and did not respond.
Then we heard a little louder, “Little old lady, this isa Jesus. I wanna to talk with you.” Still no response.
Then a third time, louder still, “Little old lady, this isa Jesus. I wanna to talk with you.” Then the lady looked up and shouted, “Keepa quiet sonny, I’ma talking to your momma!”
August 25, 2019
Jesus was walking around Jerusalem one day and decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around he saw a sign for “Finklestein, the tailor.” He went in and Finklestein made him a robe that fit perfectly.
“For the Son of God there is no charge! However, may I ask you for a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could mention how your nice robe was made by Finklestein the tailor.”
Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, he plugs Finklestein’s whenever he preaches.
Some months later, he is back in Jerusalem and happens by Finklestein’s shop. There’s a huge line of people waiting for Finklestein’s robes. He pushes through the crowd to talk with Finklestein.
“Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you’ve been for business,” gushed Finklestein. “Would you consider a partnership?”
“Sure,” replies Jesus. “Jesus and Finklestein it is!”
“Uh, no, no.” says Finklestein. “Finklestein & Jesus. After all I am the craftsman.”
The two of them debated this for some time. The discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally they came up with a mutual compromise. A few days later the new sign went up over Finklestein’s shop. It read Lord & Taylor.
August 11, 2019
One day an angel appeared to Adam. The angel said, “Adam, I’ve got great news. God is going to create something wonderful for you.” Adam said, “Oh, what is it?
The angel said, “It’s not an “it,” it’s a “she.” God is going to make something called a woman.” Adam said, “Go on.”
The angel continued, “This is going to be wonderful. This woman will be made to be a lot like you physically, only much more beautiful. She will live to serve you at all times. When you are tired, she’ll give you a massage. When you are hungry, she’ll feed you. She’ll come and bow down to you in the morning and when you return from working in the garden in the evening. She’ll live to serve your every pleasure each day.”
“In addition,” the angel continued, “she will never argue with you or complain. She wont nag you or talk back to you either. For every command you give her, she’ll simply reply, “yes master.” She’ll clean your house, and tend to your every desire.”
Adam had a sparkle in his eye and said with excitement, “Wow, that sounds amazing. I’d really like to have something like that. But what’s it going to cost me?” The angel said, “Well Adam, it’s going to cost you your right arm, and a leg.”
Adam thought about it for a while, and then replied, “What can I get for just a rib?”
August 4, 2019
Saints Dominic, Francis and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the Birth of Our Lord.
St Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St Ignatius of Loyola takes St Joseph and Our Lady aside and asks “Have you given any thought to His education?”
July 28, 2019
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon.”
“Well then, how come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.