Sunday snicker

May 19, 2019

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment, then said “So why is the groom wearing black?”

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering for the visiting minister.Presently, it was returned to him…embarrassingly empty.

Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully. Then, raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, “I thank you, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”


Sunday snicker

May 12, 2019

After years of his wife’s pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, “Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!”

The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use profanity in the Lord’s house.”

The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!”

The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!”

The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate.”

The Reverend looks stunned, and says, “NO SH**?”

Sunday snicker

May 5, 2019

One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.

His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract—tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:

‘We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.’

As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:

‘Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.

‘I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.

‘The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.

‘Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you’re satisfied.’

Sunday snicker

April 28, 2019

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.

The Irishman looked down the bar and said, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. “Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God’s Boy down there?” The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, “For your kindness you are healed!” The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me, I’m drawin’ disability!”

Sunday snicker

April 21, 2019

An Eskimo being far out in the wild did not know about religion and god etc. A priest tells him about god, heaven, hell ,good deeds and bad deeds etc etc.

Then he says if you do bad things you will go to hell otherwise heaven.
Eskimo: Ok, but I have already done some bad things, so will I be going to hell?

Priest: Since you did not know about all this, It is fine, you will go to heaven if you do good things from now on. . . .

Eskimo : Then why the hell did you tell me about all this?

Sunday snicker

April 14, 2019

A man died and went to Heaven.

After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking
with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during
my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven
but I’m really really curious. What does Hell look like?”

So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said,
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you see what Hell looks like
before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.”

And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, “Take
this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens
you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not
get out of the elevator.”

“Thank you”, replied the man who climbed into the elevator and
hit the button for the lowest floor.

After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened
and the man peered out.

Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could
see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow.

Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the
button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back
up to Heaven.

After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and
said, “I’m ready to enter into Heaven now but before I do I have
just one more question.”

“Go ahead”, replied Saint Peter.

So the man asked, “I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone
but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it’s
really like?”

Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered,
“Snow and ice, huh? I guess the Indianapolis Colts finally won
the Super Bowl.”

Sunday snicker

April 7, 2019

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …

the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” four guys stand up.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … on the opening day of deer season the church is closed.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

You know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear.”