Sunday snicker

May 19, 2018

A friend shared this one, it’s short and made us grin so we’ll
share it with you.
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Once upon a time…
…there was a young boy who had recently heard about heaven.
That night he drempt he was speaking to God.

“God,” he said, “What will it be like when I get to heaven?”

“Here. Jump in my car and I’ll give you a tour.”

The boy got in and began searching for something.
“What are you looking for?” God asked.

The boy said, “The seat belts.”

God laughed. Son, welcome to REAL life. There are no seat belts.

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Sunday snicker

May 12, 2018

A friend shared this with us and it made us laugh so we’ll
share it with you.
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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.


Sunday snicker

May 5, 2018

A pastor, associate pastor and the pastoral associate were walking to a meeting and decided to take a shortcut through a vacant lot, when they stumbled upon an ancient oil lamp. They laughed and decided to rub it, and to their amazement a genie appeared and offered to grant them each one wish.

The pastoral associate cries out, “I want to be on an island paradise, laying around in the sun without a care!” So the genie waves his hand and he disappears in a puff of smoke.

The associate pastor jumps up and tells the genie, “I want to walk through the halls of the Vatican and look at all the artwork and never have to go to another meeting as long as I live.” So, he too disappears.

The pastor scowled at the genie and said, “I want those two back in time for the meeting.”


Sunday snicker

April 28, 2018

Humpty Dumpty
The King James Version

1. And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong. 2. And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even] upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man arose, and didst say: 3. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.

4. And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall. 5. And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say: 6. I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces. Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

7. When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king ariseth, and thus did say: 8. I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the multitude of] my men. 9. And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command, that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve. 10. But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it. 11. And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid, for they knew not whether `twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it had been in the beginning.

12. And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought together again. 13. When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was stilled.

14. Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What man has rent asunder, let no god join together. 15. For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
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[An excerpt from “Mother Goose:The King James Version”, a work in progress by Meryl Arbing & Lorne Brown (marbing@ican.net) sponsored by The Storytellers School of Toronto. Feel free to distribute it as long as you let people know where it came from.]


Sunday snicker

April 21, 2018

After a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with his offering for the wedding.

“Look, Father, I will give you $100 if you change the wedding vows for me. When you get to the part where I’m suppose to promise to ‘love, honor and obey and forsake all others and be faithful to her forever’, I would really appreciate it if you would just skip that part.

He gave the priest his $100 offering and left.

When the wedding day arrived, it came time for the groom to say his vows. The priest looked the young man in the eyes and said, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command, serve her breakfast in bed every morning for the rest of your life, and swear before God and your lovely wife that you will never, ever, even look at another woman so long as you both shall live?

The groom froze for a moment, looked around and then said in a tiny whisper, “I do.”

After the Mass, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed at him, “I thought we had a deal.”

The priest slipped the $100 bill back into the groom’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”


Sunday snicker

April 14, 2018

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I”m just glad I didn”t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?” The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?” The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?!” The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”


Sunday snicker

April 7, 2018

A Muslim died ending up by mistake outside a Christian heaven. He approaches the Pearly Gates and meets with Saint Peter. “Hello, my son. Welcome to heaven. Is there any thing you desire?

The Muslim, without hesitation, realizing he’s in the wrong heaven says: “I’d like to meet Mohammed.”

“Certainly, my son, this can be arranged, follow me.” Saint Peter leads him along a long hallway through several enormous libraries, until they come to the Office of Arc-Angel Gabriel.
Hello, my son,Im Gabriel. How may I help you? “I’d like to see Mohammed.” “This can be arranged. Walk this way.” Gabriel leads him down the passageway to an elevator. They go up a hundred floors to the office of Arc-Angel Michael.

“Ah, my son, happy to meet you. Is there something I can do for you? “I want to see Mohammed”, he said impatiently I think we can arrange a meeting, but in the meantime, would you like a cup of coffee. “I would love a cup of coffee.” Michael raises his two fingers in the air.

“Oh Mohammed, two coffees over here please.”