Sunday snicker

July 12, 2020

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

“Father,” said the Pope, “I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You’re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you’ll never so much as mention the British in public again.”

“But Your Holiness, I – I – ” the priest stammered.

“No buts,” said the Pope. “Swear it here and now or there’ll be trouble!”

“Aye, Holy Father,” sighed the father. “All right. I swear it.”

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, “And one of you shall betray Me.”

The priest continues: “Saint Andrew jumps up and says, ‘Is it I Lord?’ and the Lord says, ‘Nay, Andy darlin’, it’s not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.’

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, ‘Is it I Lord?’ And the Lord says, ‘Nay, Johnny me boy, it’s not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.’

“Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, ‘Blimey, Mate. Ya think it’s me?”


Sunday snicker

July 5, 2020

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”


Sunday snicker

June 28, 2020

Cardinal Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!”

“What is it my son?” the pope responds.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? “

“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!”

“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So what’s the bad news? “

Ratzinger responds “He’s in Salt Lake City.”


Sunday snicker

June 21, 2020

There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o’ stout
and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her and said, “Sure, now sister Colleen, and why’d ya be doing a thing like this?”

The sister replied, “Oh now, it’s not fer me-self I done it sir.
I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation.”

The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, “And how might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother superior’s constipation?”

To which sister Colleen said, “When she sees
me this way, she’ll be shittin a brick.”


Sunday snicker

June 14, 2020

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.

Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks “What may we do for you, my son?” He answers “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man “Please knock on this door.” He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.


Sunday snicker

June 7, 2020

A friend shared this, we liked it, and here it is-

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to
cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn’t know what to say, but
the priest told him to come over and he’d stay with him and show him
what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the
confessional

In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive for I
have sinned.” The priest asks “What did you do?”

The woman says “I committed adultery.” Priest: “How many Times””
Woman: “Three times.”

Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
more.”

A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says
“Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Woman: “I committed adultery.” Priest: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times. Priest: “Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box
and go and sin no more.”

The rabbi tells the priest that he thins he’s got it so the priest
leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says “Father forgive me
for I have sinned.”

Rabbi: “What did you do?” Woman: “I committed adultery.” Rabbi “How
many times?” Woman: “Just once.”

Rabbi” “Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three
for $5.”


Sunday snicker

May 31, 2020

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes.

Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. “However”,he said, “as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend.” The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “What did you do, Sister?”
She replies, “I watched an R-rated movie.” The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, “You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.” The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, “Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned.” The priest replies, “OK, what happened?” She says, “I was driving my brother’s car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it.” The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says,”You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water.” The second nun goes out.
By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” The priest asks, “Out with it. What did you do?” She says, “Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street.” The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, “God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water.” She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, “OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?”
The fourth nun replies, “I peed in the holy water…”


Sunday snicker

May 24, 2020

This snicker is one we used before, but it has been a while and when
reread it made us laugh. Enjoy.

There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died.

He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God,
“I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with You. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde. It hardly seems like a punishment”.

God said unto him, “Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not.”


Sunday snicker

May 17, 2020

Sr. Mary Theresa was a fourth-grade teacher at St. Agnes’ School for Girls. One day, she was walking around the room as her students worked on their animal projects for science class. She found herself confused by little Susie’s work.

“Susie,” she said, “You must be doing the wrong assignment. We’re not working on the alphabet right now.”

Susie replied, “But, Sister, I think I am following your instructions. You’ll see that once I finish drawing on the habit.”

“Habit?” exclaimed Sr. Mary Theresa.

“Yes,” responded Susie, “Did you not tell us to draw a MONK E?”


Sunday snicker

May 10, 2020

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

“What is it, child?”

“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”