Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes. The jaws of every kid in the class dropped as they watched to see how the aging nun would react.
Their amazement only grew as her worn and slightly faded garment repelled any evidence of a stain.
“Holy Mother of God!” one student exclaimed, “it’s a miracle!”
Sister Agnes shrugged and went about her work without concern. “It’s not a miracle,” she replied. “Haven’t you ever heard? Old habits dye hard!”
Three couples are looking to join a new church. They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.
“If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I’ll let you join my congregation,” he says. “I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation.”
All three couples agree that it’s a fair test, and they promise to do their best to restrain their natural instincts.
Next Sunday comes, and the pastor reviews the three couples.
“Well?” he asks the first couple, who are in their 50’s.
“Heh,” says the husband. “We’ve been married for more than 30 years. It was no problem.”
“Great, you have demonstrated your ability to stand against temptation! You may join my congregation. Now, what about y’all?” he asks the second couple, who are in their early 30’s.
“Well,” says the wife, “we’ve only been married for seven years, so it was rather hard, but we managed to abstain for the week.”
“Awesome! You can join my church. And what about you two?” he asks the last couple.
Flushing furiously, the husband stammers, “W-w-w-well, we’ve only been married for s-s-six months, so it was r-r-really hard, but we managed to abstain for most of the w-w-week. On F-F-Friday though, after breakfast, a cereal box d-d-dropped on the floor, and we simultaneously reached down to grab it. Our hands t-t-touched and we just had to h-have it out right then and there.”
“WHAT?” gasps the pastor. “You fools are NOT going to be allowed as members in MY congregation!”
“That’s alright,” says the wife, sighing. “We’re not allowed in that grocery store anymore either.
Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells them, “I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward.”
So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, “What is your wife’s name?” The guy says, “Her name is Penny.”
St. Peter gives a disapproving look and says, “Your wife has the name of a unit of currency which means you sir have lived a life worshiping money and only caring about wealth. You are denied entrance.”
So, the first couple walks away and the second couple steps forward. St. Peter asks the husband of the second couple, “What is your wife’s name?”
The man says, “My wife’s name is Brandy.” At this, St. Peter shakes his head and says, “Brandy is a liqour which is an alcoholic drink which means you sir have lived a life as a drunkard and succumbed to the bottle far too often. You are denied entrance.”
So, the second couple walks away. But before the third couple steps forward, the husband looks at his wife and says, “We might as well just leave now, Fanny. There’s no way they’re letting us in.”
Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’
And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ‘I don’t like Chinese.’
‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the copilot, ‘….why not?’
‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why !’ angrily answers the pilot,
‘No, no,’ the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.’
‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’
There’s a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews either!’ the copilot suddenly announces.
‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.
‘Jews sink Titanic.’
‘What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain, ‘It was an iceberg!’
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg …no mattah… all same.’
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister. This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.
The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled “Conway Twitty! Pa, come quick, Conway Twitty’s come to visit!”
The minister says “No ma’am, I’m the new Methodist minister, and I’m introducing myself to my parishoners.” They talk for a while and he goes to the next house on his list.
Once there, he knocks on the door, a middle-aged woman answers, and again, “Conway Twitty! Oh my, I’m such a big fan of your music!”
Again, the minister has to tell her “No ma’am, I’m the new Methodist minister, and I’m introducing myself to my parishoners.” They talk for a while and he leaves.
His experiment isn’t going at all according to plan, so he decides to stop after one more house. When he arrives, he knocks on the door, but there’s no answer. He waits a minute and knocks again, then hears someone running toward the door. It opens to reveal a beautiful redhead, still dripping wet from the shower, wearing nothing but a towel clutched in one hand. Her eyes widen and she lifts both hands to the sky, dropping the towel. “Conway Twitty!”
A very religious 30 year-old Catholic virgin who profusely protested using birth control, wanted a large family. She finally finds the perfect man who accepts and whole-heartedly agrees with her religious values. They marry 3 months later and are overjoyed to be blessed with healthy triplets. Sadly, her husband dies three years later from a heart attack.
After a year of grieving, she wishes to find another husband. She returns to church and meets another gentleman with the same beliefs as her! They marry 3 months later, are blessed with another set of healthy triplets! Sadly, her second husband dies three years later from a heart attack,
Again, the widow grieves for a year, and wants to find a third husband to help her raise her family and increase her family’s size. Again, she finds a man who accepts her religious beliefs and they marry three months later, Her third and longest marriage of 30 years produced ten more children — for a total of sixteen kids.
Everything is going smoothly with their marriage; they decide to leave the kids with her mother, as the couple wants to celebrate their 30th Anniversary with a flight to Rome! During the flight, there is an engine failure and the plane crashes to the ground and kills everyone on the plane!
All of the family members of the deceased attend the most beautiful and touching funeral service ever! The priest ends his sermon with: “Take heart beloved followers, they are now together forever in Heaven!” His final remark brought all of the attendees to tears, yet made them feel glad for their departed loved ones.
After the funeral, her mother, curious about the Church’s beliefs, asks the priest: “Which husband are you referencing when you said ‘they are now together forever in Heaven’?” The priest replied, “Actually, I was talking about her legs!”