Sunday snicker

January 20, 2018

After years of his wife’s pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, “Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!”

The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use profanity in the Lord’s house.”

The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!”

The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!”

The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate.”

The Reverend looks stunned, and says, “NO SH**?”

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Sunday snicker

January 13, 2018

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”


Sunday sermon

January 7, 2018

The following isn’t really a sermon yet it does have a point.
We don’t know the author but felt we had to share it.

Shoes in Church

I showered and shaved……………. I adjusted my tie.
I got there and sat……………. In a pew just in time.
Bowing my head in prayer………… As I closed my eyes.
I saw the shoe of the man next to me……. Touching my own. I sighed.

With plenty of room on either side……… I thought, ‘Why must our soles touch?’
It bothered me, his shoe touching mine.. But it didn’t bother him much.
A prayer began: ‘Our Father’…………. I thought,
‘This man with the shoes, has no pride. They’re dusty, worn, and scratched.
Even worse, there are holes on the side!’

‘Thank You for blessings,’ the prayer went on.
The shoe man said…………….. A quiet ‘Amen.’
I tried to focus on the prayer……. But my thoughts were on his shoes again..
Aren’t we supposed to look our best. When walking through that door?
‘Well, this certainly isn’t it,’ I thought, glancing toward the floor.

Then the prayer was ended………… And the songs of praise began .
The shoe man was certainly loud….. Sounding proud as he sang.
His voice lifted the rafters…….. His hands were raised high.
The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man’s voice from the sky.

It was time for the offering…….. And what I threw in was steep.
I watched as the shoe man reached…. Into his pockets so deep.
I saw what was pulled out………. What the shoe man put in.
Then I heard a soft ‘clink’ as when silver hits tin.
The sermon really bored me………. To tears, and that’s no lie.
It was the same for the shoe man… For tears fell from his eyes.

At the end of the service…….. As is the custom here.
We must greet new visitors, And show them all good cheer.
But I felt moved somehow……….. And wanted to meet the shoe man.
So after the closing prayer…….. I reached over and shook his hand.
He was old and his skin was dark….. And his hair was truly a mess…..
But I thanked him for coming………. For being our guest…

He said, ‘My name’s Charlie………… I’m glad to meet you, my friend.’
There were tears in his eyes……… But he had a large, wide grin..
‘Let me explain,’ he said…………. Wiping tears from his eyes.
‘I’ve been coming here for months…… And you’re the first to say ‘Hi.”

‘I know that my appearance………..Is not like all the rest.
‘But I really do try………………..To always look my best.’
‘I always clean and polish my shoes…Before my very long walk.’
‘But by the time I get here……..They’re dirty and dusty, like chalk.’

My heart filled with pain………… And I swallowed to hide my tears.
As he continued to apologize………. For daring to sit so near
He said, ‘When I get here………… I know I must look a sight.’
‘But I thought if I could touch you….Then maybe our souls might unite.’

I was silent for a moment…………. Knowing whatever was said
Would pale in comparison…. I spoke from my heart, not my head.
‘Oh, you’ve touched me,’ I said…….’And taught me, in part’
‘That the best of any man…………..Is what is found in his heart.’

The rest, I thought,…………… This shoe man will never know.
Like just how thankful I really am…. That his dirty old shoe touched my soul.

Live each day as your last, for we never know our time here on earth. Love and Peace My Friends and remember that it is not how we look on the outside but how we look within .


Sunday snicker

January 6, 2018

One morning the Pope awoke in his bed chamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection. Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

“Doctor, this should not be possible,” he said, “I’m the Pope, and I’m celibate! I haven’t had one of these for 30 years!”

The doctor’s reply was, “Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time”.

The Pope exclaimed “But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isn’t going away!”

The doctor replied “You have two options … either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.”

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknown to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away. The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up.

The paparazzo shouts out, “Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?”

Upon refection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying “Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.”

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, “But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, I’ll lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!”

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. “Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?”

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peter’s, with the offending camera around his neck. Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

“Ah, so, very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope,” says the man, “how much you pay for it?”

“Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie,” he replies, “I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.”

“Ah,” says the Japanese gentleman, “look like someone saw you coming!”


Wednesday edition of Sunday Snicker

January 3, 2018

Even though I got up early the distractions kept coming and
time got away from me. So enjoy this late revision of an older
snicker.

What would Jesus Drive?

Most people assume WWJD is for “What would Jesus do?” But the initials really stand for “What would Jesus drive?”

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because “the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to “pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm.”

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses’ followers are warned not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John’s gospel where Christ tells the crowd, “For I did not speak of my own Accord.”

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, “the roar of Moses’ Triumph is heard in the hills.”

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: “Joshua’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.” And, following the Master’s lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: “The Apostles were in one Accord.”


Sunday snicker

December 30, 2017

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”


Sunday snicker

December 23, 2017

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!”

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.

Little Davie said, “Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”