October 21, 2017
It’s the day of judgement and all the true believers are waiting in line to get into heaven. The Angel Gabriel appears and says to them, “I want all the men to separate into two lines – the first line is for men who were the true heads of their household. All those men who were dominated by their wives should form the second line.”
He continued, “And now all the women should go through the gates and report to Mary.”
After all the women had left, the men quickly sorted themselves into two lines; I say lines but the line with the true heads of the household only had one man in it. The other line of those men dominated by their wives stretched on for what seemed like eternity.
Gabriel addressed this long line, saying “You should be ashamed of yourselves. God appointed you to be the heads of your households and you have not fulfilled your duties. Out of all you men, there is only one who has obeyed God’s orders.
He then turned to the man stood all alone in the first line and asked him, “How did you come to be in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”
October 14, 2017
An enormously popular and beloved Pope, after a long reign, dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
The pope, having always loved the bible, decides that he wants to read all of the original records of God’s communications with humanity before they were received and written down by human beings. He spends the next eon or so learning languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original records of divine communication.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library that echos throughout the gold-paved streets of the heavenly city. The angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, “An ‘R’! The scribes left out the ‘R’.”
A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’. They left out the ‘R’. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!”
October 7, 2017
I’m probably going to hell for this one but It made laugh.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it
was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One
day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with
no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it
The letter read:
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was
all the money I had until my next pension check.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends
over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up
with a few dollars. By the time he made his rounds, he had
collected $96, which they put into an envolope and sent to the
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her
friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another
letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers
gathered around while the letter was opened.
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious
dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my
friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been
those bastards at the Post Office.
October 7, 2017
One fine day, a priest, a rabbi, and a high priestess decide to all go fishing. They manage to get to the water, and off they go.
One hour later, the high priestess says, “I think I forgot the food!” She steps off the boat, walks across the water, gets the picnic basket, and walks back!
As they are eating, the priest thinks, “What a display. Jeez, where does she get off walkin’ on the water?”
Right then, the rabbi says, “Oye! I forgot the drinks.” He steps right off the boat, and walks across the water to get the drinks.
By this time, the priest is very frustrated! He excuses himself, and as the priest steps out of the boat, he falls in the water.
The high priestess turns to the rabbi and says, “You think we should have told him about the rocks?”
September 30, 2017
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, ‘Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, ‘I want to be Sophia Loren;’ And *poof* she’s gone.
The second says, ‘I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.
The third says, ‘I want to be Sara Pipalini..’
St. Peter looks perplexed. ‘Who?’ he asks.
‘Sara Pipalini’ replies the nun.
St.Peter shakes his head and says, ‘I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.’
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says… ‘No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.’
If you laugh, you’re going straight to hell!
September 23, 2017
A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a
window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t
“I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your
speaking impediment,” said the owner.
“I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I
re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.
“O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” said
So the man went out and came back an hour later.
“H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more
Bibles and sent him out.
The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-yooour
m-m-money.” The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold
more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week.
Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to
“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell,
a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you
w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor
d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”
September 16, 2017
We’ll share 2 because they’re short.
The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”
Lot again… A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt.”
His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”