Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the altar was the order of prayers for the mass. Behind the pew out of view was a list of psalms and subjects he could talk about in his sermon without getting lost – he had thought of everything.
After getting through his first mass with the help of the cheat sheets, Father Ben stepped into take his first confessions. First up was a young man.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned – I have had impure thoughts”.
Father Ben looks at his cheat sheet taped to the wall of the confessional – impure thoughts – 5 Hail Mary’s and 10 Our Fathers.
“Right my son, say five Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers and all is forgiven.”
“Thank you father…” the young man replies and leaves.
Feeling more confident, Father Ben looks up as an old woman entered the booth.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have committed the sin of jealousy. Our neighbours have a new kitchen and I wish ours could be renovated”
Again Father Ben consults the list. Jealousy – 10 Our Fathers.
“Say the Lord’s Prayer ten times and go with god my child” he says confidentially and the woman smiles and leaves the booth.
Then an attractive young woman slips into the booth. She is very shy and bashful and seems very uncomfortable.
“Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have committed fellatio, out of wedlock, many times and on many men.”
Father Ben is taken back by the confession but composes himself and consults his cheat sheet. He is suddenly overcome with horror – fellatio isn’t on the list. He checks the list again and then around his booth to see if there is another scrap of paper but to no avail. Meanwhile the girl is looking more upset with his lack of response as she sits in silence and waits for his answer.
In a panic he sticks his head out of the booth and sees a choir boy standing nearby the altar.
“Psssst, hey what does Father Todd normally give for fellatio?” He whispers hurriedly.
The choir boy whispers back:
“Normally a mars bar, a can of Coke and a pat on the head…”