Sunday snicker

April 21, 2019

An Eskimo being far out in the wild did not know about religion and god etc. A priest tells him about god, heaven, hell ,good deeds and bad deeds etc etc.

Then he says if you do bad things you will go to hell otherwise heaven.
Eskimo: Ok, but I have already done some bad things, so will I be going to hell?

Priest: Since you did not know about all this, It is fine, you will go to heaven if you do good things from now on. . . .

Eskimo : Then why the hell did you tell me about all this?


Sunday snicker

April 14, 2019

A man died and went to Heaven.

After reaching the gates to Heaven the man was talking
with Saint Peter and he asked, “I know I was good during
my life, and I really appreciate being brought to Heaven
but I’m really really curious. What does Hell look like?”

So Saint Peter thought about it a moment and finally said,
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll let you see what Hell looks like
before you are officially entered into Heaven. Come with me.”

And so Saint Peter lead the man to an elevator and said, “Take
this elevator to the very bottom floor. When the door opens
you will see what Hell looks like, but whatever you do, do not
get out of the elevator.”

“Thank you”, replied the man who climbed into the elevator and
hit the button for the lowest floor.

After nearly an hour waiting in the elevator the doors opened
and the man peered out.

Before him was a lifeless frozen wasteland. All the man could
see were huge mountains of ice through blankets of snow.

Remembering what Saint Peter said, the man quickly pushed the
button for the top floor, the doors closed and he traveled back
up to Heaven.

After returning to Heaven the man approached Saint Peter and
said, “I’m ready to enter into Heaven now but before I do I have
just one more question.”

“Go ahead”, replied Saint Peter.

So the man asked, “I thought Hell would be fire and brimstone
but instead all I saw was snow and ice. Is that what it’s
really like?”

Saint Peter thought about this for a second and finally answered,
“Snow and ice, huh? I guess the Indianapolis Colts finally won
the Super Bowl.”

Sunday snicker

April 7, 2019

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …

the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … when the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering,” four guys stand up.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … on the opening day of deer season the church is closed.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of”

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … people think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized “Wheeling” washtub.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if … “Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

You know You’re in a Redneck Church if … the final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear.”

Sunday snicker

March 31, 2019

This week we’ll share some short letters written by children to their Pastors. We hope you like them.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t leave more money in the plate, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Sunday snicker

March 24, 2019

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Oh Goddammit, no! We don’t like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you’re gonna have to leave right now!”
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.

The bartender says, “OH COME ON! We don’t serve CHICKENS in here!”

The chicken says, “Do you know somewhere that does?”

The bartender says, “Yeah..”

The chicken asks, “Well, where is it?”

The bartender says, “It’s across the road.”

Sunday snicker

March 17, 2019

Three friars were banished from their monastery for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They traveled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving.

One day, a woman was shopping at the friar’s store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of herfriends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave.
But the friars said No. We’re not leaving. So the townspeople gave up and went home.

Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar’s shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once.

But the friars said, No way. And all the people gave up and went home.

A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar’s store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn’t leave town. But the friars said, We’re staying, So the citizens gave up and began to go home.

Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, Get out of town, now! The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Sunday snicker

March 10, 2019

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson’s Nails. “Give me a week,” says the friend, “and I’ll be back with a tape.”

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, “Use Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”

Wilson goes mad, shouting, “What is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, “Wilson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”

Wilson is beside himself. “You don’t understand. I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to the camera and says, “If only we had used Wilson’s Nails!”