Sunday snicker

April 21, 2018

After a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with his offering for the wedding.

“Look, Father, I will give you $100 if you change the wedding vows for me. When you get to the part where I’m suppose to promise to ‘love, honor and obey and forsake all others and be faithful to her forever’, I would really appreciate it if you would just skip that part.

He gave the priest his $100 offering and left.

When the wedding day arrived, it came time for the groom to say his vows. The priest looked the young man in the eyes and said, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command, serve her breakfast in bed every morning for the rest of your life, and swear before God and your lovely wife that you will never, ever, even look at another woman so long as you both shall live?

The groom froze for a moment, looked around and then said in a tiny whisper, “I do.”

After the Mass, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed at him, “I thought we had a deal.”

The priest slipped the $100 bill back into the groom’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”


Sunday snicker

April 14, 2018

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I”m just glad I didn”t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”

The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?” The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note.”

The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?” The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?!” The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

Cowboy chuckle

April 8, 2018

A friend shared this one today and it made me chuckle so here
it is. Don’t know who took the picture or wrote the joke but
enjoy them anyway.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”

Sunday snicker

April 7, 2018

A Muslim died ending up by mistake outside a Christian heaven. He approaches the Pearly Gates and meets with Saint Peter. “Hello, my son. Welcome to heaven. Is there any thing you desire?

The Muslim, without hesitation, realizing he’s in the wrong heaven says: “I’d like to meet Mohammed.”

“Certainly, my son, this can be arranged, follow me.” Saint Peter leads him along a long hallway through several enormous libraries, until they come to the Office of Arc-Angel Gabriel.
Hello, my son,Im Gabriel. How may I help you? “I’d like to see Mohammed.” “This can be arranged. Walk this way.” Gabriel leads him down the passageway to an elevator. They go up a hundred floors to the office of Arc-Angel Michael.

“Ah, my son, happy to meet you. Is there something I can do for you? “I want to see Mohammed”, he said impatiently I think we can arrange a meeting, but in the meantime, would you like a cup of coffee. “I would love a cup of coffee.” Michael raises his two fingers in the air.

“Oh Mohammed, two coffees over here please.”

Sunday snicker

March 31, 2018

Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car.

Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over with his maneuvers, but to no avail….the rabbit was hit before the car could be stopped.

Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone.

Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving vigorously.

Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, “It’s a miracle!” The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving.

When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered the sequence of events. Finally he said, “Father Pat, just what was in that bottle?”

In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more and handed it to Father Mike who read the label:

“Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave”

Little Johnny snicker

March 25, 2018

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

“Anyway”, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go… I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel… I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…. they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

Sunday snicker

March 24, 2018

A Rabbi, Hindu priest and tele-evangelist are driving through the country when their car breaks down. They walk to a farmhouse and ask the farmer if they can have shelter for the night. He says yes but explains that there is only room enough in the house for two of them, someone will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu priest says he will do it and walks out to the barn. A few minutes later there is a knock at the farmhouse door. The farmer opens it and the Hindu is standing there. He explains that there is a cow in the barn and because cows are holy to him he can’t sleep in its presence.

The Rabbi hears this and states that he will gladly take his place and leaves. A few minutes later he too returns explaining that there is a pig in the barn and his religion prohibits him from associating with what they consider an unclean animal.

The tele-evangelist says that he’ll go sleep in the barn and leaves. A few minutes later there’s a knock at the door. The farmer opens it and sees the cow and the pig…