Sunday snicker

June 26, 2022

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi…
are called to the hospice of a terminal millionaire. The millionaire gives each of them $100,000 with the instructions that when he dies he wants them all to bury him with the money. A few weeks later he dies and the Priest, Minster, and Rabbi all throw an envelope into his casket. After the funeral, the Priest asks the minster if he threw the whole amount into the casket.

“No, I didn’t,” the minister says, “I took $10,000 dollars to provide for the congregation. I’m sure he’ll understand. What about you?”

“No, I took $15,000,” The Priest replied, “I have to provide for my small congregation and have many bills to pay. I’m sure he’ll rest easy knowing the money has been put to good use.”

The Priest and the Minister look over at the Rabbi and ask him the same question.
“Of course I did,” said the Rabbi, “I wrote him a check”


Sunday snicker

June 19, 2022

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom “I’ve been working non-stop trying to save my business. I’m about to miss paying my workers’ salary and I’m about to be evicted from the house my grandfather left me from missing mortgage payments.”

Father Tom told him “I’m very sorry to hear that. One thing that has always helped me in times of trouble is this. Go home, pull out your Bible. Close your eyes, turn to a random page, and place your finger on it, and God will direct you to the message you need to hear.”

Dave was out the following three weeks, but when he returned the fourth week, Father Tom was amazed to see him driving a brand new sports car, wearing a suit that had to have been custom made.

After the service, Father Tom rushed up to Dave and asked him what had happened. Dave told him “Father, I did exactly what you said. I pulled out the family Bible, closed my eyes, and pointed to a random place on a random page. And the words God sent to me were the most helpful message I’ve ever heard. Chapter Eleven.”


Sunday snicker

June 12, 2022

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “Every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady said, “$10,000 a week.”

The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honorable profession,” the pastor said.
“Where does he practice?”

The old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.”


Sunday snicker

June 5, 2022

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop. “One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.”

“So be it,” said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.

Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.

He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.

It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.

Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open. “Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”

Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.

Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.

But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.

Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.

“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”

And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.


Sunday snicker

May 29, 2022

Sullivan & Duffy were sitting outside their favorite pub in a village in Ireland, having a few pints. Just across the street is a house of ill repute and the two Irishmen were just enjoying their libations as they watched the people walking by. After a little while the Methodist minister happened to be walking along across the street & just as he gets astride the brothel door he glances up and down the street before ducking inside. “Aye Sully, did you see that?”

“Tsk, tsk that I did Duffy. Tis a sad thing when a man of the cloth, falls to the sins of the flesh!” “Oh it tis, it tis.” A little while later the Baptist Reverend is walking along across the street & just as he gets astride the brothel door he also glances up and down the street before ducking inside. “Aye Sully, now did you see that?

“Oh my tsk, tsk that I did Duffy. Tis a sad thing when another man of the cloth, falls to the sins of the flesh!” “Oh yes it tis, it tis.” A little while later along walks a Catholic priest across the street & just as he reaches the brothel door he also glances up and down the street before ducking inside. “Aye now Sully, did you see THAT!? “Aye I did indeed, Duffy. That I did.”

“Oh how sad it is!” Then both in agreement say,
” Aye, One of the girls must be terribly sick.”


Sunday snicker

May 22, 2022

“What Is The Resurrection”: A Child’s Answer

A True Story: Asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial. But at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. A little boy raised his hand.

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.What Is The Resurrection: A Child’s Answer
A True Story: Asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial. But at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. A little boy raised his hand.

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.


Sunday snicker

May 15, 2022

Fifth grade teacher Sister Agnes was leading her parochial school class in an arts and crafts activity; tie-dying t-shirts. A couple of unruly students were getting a bit reckless with their bottles of dye when they accidentally spilled several ounces of pink pigment down the back of Sister Agnes.
The jaws of every kid in the class dropped as they watched to see how the aging nun would react.

Their amazement only grew as her worn and slightly faded garment repelled any evidence of a stain.

“Holy Mother of God!” one student exclaimed, “it’s a miracle!”

Sister Agnes shrugged and went about her work without concern. “It’s not a miracle,” she replied. “Haven’t you ever heard? Old habits dye hard!”


Sunday snicker

May 8, 2022

Jesus walks into a bar.
He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks “My son, are you a believer?”
The Russian replies “No.”

With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
“Well my son, do you believe now?”
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes into the bar and sees the same man.
“My son, are you a believer yet?”
The Russian replies “No.”

Jesus waves his hands and behold! The glass again is changed to wine.
“Well my son, now you surely believe?”
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

On the third day, Jesus enters the bar and approaches the Russian.
“My son, are you a believer yet?”

The Russian looks up
“If I say I believe, will you just leave my vodka alone today?”


Sunday snicker

May 1, 2022

Three couples are looking to join a new church. They all talk with the pastor, who gives them all a test.

“If you can abstain from having sex until next Sunday, then I’ll let you join my congregation,” he says. “I want to see how well you can stand up against temptation.”

All three couples agree that it’s a fair test, and they promise to do their best to restrain their natural instincts.

Next Sunday comes, and the pastor reviews the three couples.

“Well?” he asks the first couple, who are in their 50’s.

“Heh,” says the husband. “We’ve been married for more than 30 years. It was no problem.”

“Great, you have demonstrated your ability to stand against temptation! You may join my congregation. Now, what about y’all?” he asks the second couple, who are in their early 30’s.

“Well,” says the wife, “we’ve only been married for seven years, so it was rather hard, but we managed to abstain for the week.”

“Awesome! You can join my church. And what about you two?” he asks the last couple.

Flushing furiously, the husband stammers, “W-w-w-well, we’ve only been married for s-s-six months, so it was r-r-really hard, but we managed to abstain for most of the w-w-week. On F-F-Friday though, after breakfast, a cereal box d-d-dropped on the floor, and we simultaneously reached down to grab it. Our hands t-t-touched and we just had to h-have it out right then and there.”

“WHAT?” gasps the pastor. “You fools are NOT going to be allowed as members in MY congregation!”

“That’s alright,” says the wife, sighing. “We’re not allowed in that grocery store anymore either.


Sunday snicker

April 24, 2022

Three couples are waiting to enter the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter tells them, “I can tell how a man lived his life based upon the name of his wife. First couple, please step forward.”

So, the first couple steps forward and St. Peter asks the guy, “What is your wife’s name?” The guy says, “Her name is Penny.”

St. Peter gives a disapproving look and says, “Your wife has the name of a unit of currency which means you sir have lived a life worshiping money and only caring about wealth. You are denied entrance.”

So, the first couple walks away and the second couple steps forward. St. Peter asks the husband of the second couple, “What is your wife’s name?”

The man says, “My wife’s name is Brandy.” At this, St. Peter shakes his head and says, “Brandy is a liqour which is an alcoholic drink which means you sir have lived a life as a drunkard and succumbed to the bottle far too often. You are denied entrance.”

So, the second couple walks away. But before the third couple steps forward, the husband looks at his wife and says, “We might as well just leave now, Fanny. There’s no way they’re letting us in.”