At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived.
The pope, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favorite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge.
The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: “Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu.” The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone:
“On my way through desert sand Met a lonely caravan Men on camels, two by two Destination: Timbuktu.”
The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the pope had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?!
The elderly pope was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: “Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu.” The clock was started, but after only a short thought the pope stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the pope approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax?
No, to everybody’s surprise the pope started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience:
“Me and Tim to Brisbane went Met some ladies, cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I bucked one, and ‘Tim-bucked-two.'”
A priest and an old blind woman who plays the church organ, are preparing for the weekly sermon. Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.
The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.
A few seconds later as he is about to explode, the crowds start to enter the church. He quickly grabs his meat out of the organ players hands and says, “let me help you with that”, handing her a ready peeled banana.
“Ah thank you Father, very kind of you”, She says, and eats the fruit.
The next week arrives and the priest tries his luck again, playing his dirty trick on the poor old blind lady. Unfortunately for him, the churchgoers appear before he’s finished, so he has to withdraw and give her the ready peeled banana.
“Thank you Father, you’re too kind”, She says, and eats it up.
The next week arrives and he gives his filthy trick one last try. He switches out her banana with his manhood and lets the unsuspecting organ player grab hold of it.
“Father, I appreciate it when you peel my bananas for me”, says the organ player, “but it’s not worth it for all the wanking I have to do.”
A preacher in the Wild West, beloved by his congregation, was famous for never preaching about the same subject twice.
One day he says to his wife, “I’ve got an idea for my next sermon. I think I’ll talk about horseback riding and how it helped America expand west of the Mississippi.” His wife says, “If you do, I’m not going. You don’t know anything about horses and you’re just gonna make a fool of yourself.” But he sticks with his choice.
Next Sunday while the preacher’s walking to church, he starts having second thoughts. At the last minute, he decides to change the subject to sexual immorality. He preaches with vigor and the sermon is a great success.
The next day at the market, one of the churchgoers sees the preacher’s wife and says, “You should’ve been at service yesterday. Your husband gave one of the finest sermons I’ve ever heard him give.” The preacher’s wife says, “Well I don’t know how that could be, considering he knows nothing about the subject. He’s only ever tried it twice in his life, and he fell off both times.”
In a small church in a midwest town the pastor was having problems. Their church organist played beautiful music fitting of a religious ceremony but the petite lady had huge boobs which bounced as she played.
A steadily rising stack of complaints came from wives in the parish and they all claimed they couldn’t get their husbands to stop gawking at said organist. After weeks of receiving these complaints the pastor called a meeting with just the wives and told them the organist was too good to fire. He also told them breast reduction surgery was not in the church budget.
One woman stood and said she had been to see a local old voodoo woman and the old woman said the large breasts that so distracted the men could be reduced with a simple salve made with berries and other natural ingredients. She continued that there was a warning attached to using this cure.
She was told that if the salve is used under no circumstances should any one try to lick or taste the salve as it did smell, and taste good. However, if you get any on the lips it would cause a reaction with symptoms of puckered lips and problems speaking. All at the meeting thought the idea the best and plans were made to make and apply the salve the day before the next services. It was decided the pastor would apply the slave.
As the ladies filed into the church for Sunday service they were all smiles as they saw that the organist now had boobs more appropriate for her body. The husbands were not as happy. Soon the pastor walked in an began the services.
The pastor stepped up to the lectern and said “Ere woon be ony sherman aas I con sweem o tolk.”
A Clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”
Every Monday afternoon, a Catholic priest and an Anglican vicar meet up at the local pub for a drink and a chat. One day, the vicar doesn’t show up, but he DOES show up the next week. The priest asks him why he stood him up.
“You won’t believe this, but someone stole my bicycle! I had to borrow a friend’s.”
“You might be able to find your old one, but how?” the priest wondered. After a minute of thought, his eyes lit up. “I got it! Next Sunday service, do a sermon on the Ten Commandments. Watch the congregation as you get to ‘thou shalt not steal’. Whoever looks up probably has your bike.”
“Thanks! I’ll try that,” the vicar happily says.
Next Monday, the vicar comes back to the pub as usual—pushing his old bicycle! The priest asks him if his trick had worked.
“Yes and no. I did the sermon about the Ten Commandments, but before I could get to the part about ‘thou shalt not steal’, I managed to remember where I left it—would you believe it, right as I was reading ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’!”
God says to the angel Gabriel: “I’m going to create a land called Canada.” “And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.
And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the world for their kindness and politeness.”
The angel Gabriel says to God: “Wow, this Canada sounds amazing! Aren’t you worried that this land will be so great that it will make the other countries jealous?”
God chuckled and said “Nah, wait until you see the accent I give them!”