Sunday snicker

Father Ben a newly anointed priest is given his first posting of his career. He’s fairly young and very nervous, but seeing his distress, Father Todd the elderly priest he’s replacing was very thoughtful and had prepared some cheat sheets so everything would transition smoothly. Hidden behind the altar was the order of prayers for the mass. Behind the pew out of view was a list of psalms and subjects he could talk about in his sermon without getting lost – he had thought of everything.

After getting through his first mass with the help of the cheat sheets, Father Ben stepped into take his first confessions. First up was a young man.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned – I have had impure thoughts”.

Father Ben looks at his cheat sheet taped to the wall of the confessional – impure thoughts – 5 Hail Mary’s and 10 Our Fathers.

“Right my son, say five Hail Mary’s and ten Our Fathers and all is forgiven.”

“Thank you father…” the young man replies and leaves.

Feeling more confident, Father Ben looks up as an old woman entered the booth.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned, I have committed the sin of jealousy. Our neighbours have a new kitchen and I wish ours could be renovated”

Again Father Ben consults the list. Jealousy – 10 Our Fathers.

“Say the Lord’s Prayer ten times and go with god my child” he says confidentially and the woman smiles and leaves the booth.

Then an attractive young woman slips into the booth. She is very shy and bashful and seems very uncomfortable.

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have committed fellatio, out of wedlock, many times and on many men.”

Father Ben is taken back by the confession but composes himself and consults his cheat sheet. He is suddenly overcome with horror – fellatio isn’t on the list. He checks the list again and then around his booth to see if there is another scrap of paper but to no avail. Meanwhile the girl is looking more upset with his lack of response as she sits in silence and waits for his answer.

In a panic he sticks his head out of the booth and sees a choir boy standing nearby the altar.

“Psssst, hey what does Father Todd normally give for fellatio?” He whispers hurriedly.

The choir boy whispers back:

“Normally a mars bar, a can of Coke and a pat on the head…”

Sunday snicker

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.
“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner. Nothing serious, just say two prayers and you will be cleansed of your sins.”

“But Father,” continues the man, “It doesn’t end there. On Tuesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, but she had gone out with her mates, and the only one there was her sister, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned again, Father.”

“Oh, child,” says the Father, “You must be strong and fight those urges! Eight prayers shall cleanse you of your sins.”

“But Father,” says the bloke again, “On Wednesday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and she wasn’t there then either, and the only one at home was her mum, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… Again I sinned, Father.”

“Good Lord,” says the priest, “Child, you must think about what you do, so pray-”

“But Father,” says the bloke, “On Thursday, I was at my girlfriend’s house again, and the whole family had gone to the shop, and the only one there was her aunt, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned yet again, Father.”

The priest falls silent.

“And then,” continues the bloke, “On Friday, I was at her house again, and they had gone out for the weekend and the only one there was her granny, and , well… the two of us alone, the house empty…”

The priest still did not answer.

“And on Saturday,” said the bloke, “I went to her house again, and there was nobody there except for her father, and, well…”

The man awaits a reply, but upon hearing none, he exits the booth – only to find the priest up on the belfry.

“Father,” he calls, “What are you doing up there? I haven’t finished!”

“Back off, I’m not coming down,” says the priest, “The two of us alone, the Church’s empty… and I don’t want you to sin anymore.”

Sunday snicker

A man comes home from church with two black eyes. His wife takes one look at him and exclaims, “how in the world did you get two black eyes at church!?”

“Well” the man answers, “When we stood up to pray, i noticed that the woman in front of me had the back of her dress tucked in to her pantyhoes. I didn’t want to embarrass her by telling her, so i reached forward and pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!”

“That explains one black eye” said his wife, ” so how did you get the other one?”

“I thought she must have wanted it there so I put it back!”

Sunday snicker

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Sunday snicker

On the occasion of their 50th Anniversary, a man asked his wife, “Honey, you have been with me through thick and thin, and gave me constant love and support, however I just have to know whether you have actually been faithful to me all this time.”

To which the wife replies, “To be honest, I have cheated on you on three different occasions, but they all were to benefit you.”

Hurt by her answer but no surprised, he further asked her, “Very well, tell me the three instances when you cheated on me and how they benefitted me.”

The wife says, “For the first time, it was when you needed that promotion at work, but your boss was adamant on giving it to someone else. So i slept with him and requested him to give you the promotion in return.” The husband nods and says, “Ok so it was to get me the promotion, I understand that. What was the second instance?”

The wife continues, “The second time was when you met with an accident and needed to be operated immediately. But the medical expenses were too much. So i slept with your doctor and in return he did your operation for free.”
The man replies by saying, “Alright, so the second time, it was to save my life, I understand that. Well then, what was the third instance?”

“Remember when you were running for the president of your golf club and were short of 73 votes?”

Sunday snicker

One day in heaven, Jesus sees a familiar-looking old man sitting by a lake.
“Moses, is that you?”

“Jesus, you rascal, how have you been?”

“Oh, good, no complaints. Say, you know that thing you did with the Red Sea?”

“You mean parting it?”

“Yeah, that. I missed watching you do that the first time, and well, we’re here by this big lake, so I was wondering if you’d be so kind as to show me? I read the story, it sounded awesome, but I’d like to see it in person.”

Moses shrugged, stood up, lifted his staff, and parted the waters of the lake down to the dry bed. Seeing Jesus grinning, he let the waters recede.

“That was amazing, Moses, thank you.”

“Of course, of course. Anything for the big guy’s son. But while we’re on the subject of lakes, you know, I heard about that trick you pulled at the Sea of Galilee from St. Peter…”

“Oh, the walking on water bit.”

“Yeah, that. Could you demonstrate that one for me?”

“Of course!” Jesus said, taking off his sandals. He lowered his feet to the water and took two steps before sinking up to his ankles.

“Oh, no!” Moses said.

“It’s all right,” Jesus said, wading back to the shore. “Let me try again.”

The next time he got out four steps before sinking up to his knees.

“What’s happening?” Moses cried. “Are you all right? Should I get an angel or something?”

Jesus waded back to the shore and shrugged. “No, that’s okay. I think I figured out what the problem is.”

“What?”

“The last time I did this, I didn’t have holes in my feet.”

Sunday snicker

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.
They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasn’t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked “God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?” God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whispered into God’s ear. God replied to Biden “Not in your term in office”.

Putin went next. He asked “God, when will communism overtake capitalism as the dominant world system?” God made a sign to his angels and they went away. After 10 minutes they came back and whispered into God’s ear. God replied to Putin “Not in your term in office”.

Johnson went last. He asked “God, when will world leaders be honest and care for the people instead of working purely to line their pockets?” God made a sign to his angels and they went away. After five hours they came back exhausted and whispered into god’s ear. God replied to Johnson “Not in MY term in office”.

Sunday snicker

A Baptist preacher, a Methodist preacher, and a Presbyterian preacher lived in the same small town.
The three were of similar age, and over the years, they and their wives became friends. All three retired within a few months of each other, and decided to rent an RV to drive across the country. Only a few days into the trip, they were in a horrible accident that killed all six of them.

The Baptist preacher walks up to Saint Peter. Saint Peter says “May I help you?”

The man replies, “Yes, I’m a Baptist preacher, just killed in a car accident, and my wife and I would like to get into Heaven now.”

Saint Peter says “Well, I don’t think there will be a problem, you being a man of the Word and all, but one thing I have to do before you can go in, I don’t care who you are, Oral Roberts, Billy Graham, I have to check the Book of Life.” He opens the Book and flips through until he finds the man’s name. “Well, preacher, I don’t know how to tell you this, but we’ve got you down for a cardinal sin.”

The Baptist preacher is indignant. “What did I ever do?”

Saint Peter replies “It says here that all your life, you lusted in your heart for alcohol. You never DRANK any alcohol but you lusted for it and that’s just as bad. Says here you lusted so bad in your heart for alcohol, you wouldn’t get married until you met a woman named Sherry. I don’t think we can let you in here.”

The Methodist preacher walks up, Saint Peter looks for his name, cries out “I can’t believe this, two men of the cloth in a row!”

The Methodist preacher is also indignant. “What did I ever do?”

Saint Peter replies “It says here that all your life, you lusted in your heart for money. You never HAD much money but you lusted for it and that’s just as bad. Says here you lusted so bad in your heart for money, you wouldn’t get married until you met a woman named Penny.”

The Presbyterian preacher turns to his wife. “Hell, Fanny, we might as well leave too.”

Sunday snicker

A suicide bomber went to heaven.
The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

“Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!”

“I knew it! said the bomber. “Bring me the women!”

The Angel smiled.

“Who mentioned women?”

Sunday snicker

Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talkin about different countries and major religions.

“Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?” one man asked his buddy. “Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He’s Chinese.”

So they called the waiter and asked. “So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?” one man asked. The waiter looked confused and said, “Sorry sir, let me ask the manager.”

A few minutes later, the waiter came back and said, “No sir. No Chinese Jews.” The men couldnt believe this and asked him to go ask other waiters.

The waiter returned with the same answer; no Chinese Jews.

The men still couldnt believe him and sent him off once again. A good few minutes later, the waiter came and replied;

” Sir. I asked the Manager, the other waiters and even the chefs. Theres no Chinese Jews.”

“We have Apple Jews, Orange Jews, Pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.