September 22, 2018
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis.
Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there’s some cool music playing. After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: “Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I’m the devil. As you’re gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me.”
The guy still doesn’t really understand what’s going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there’s games, party and fun all around.
Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there’s fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says “Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!”
The devil laughs and says “Oh, that. That’s the Catholics – they want it that way.”
September 15, 2018
While on vacation we couldn’t do the snickers so to
make up for it we present this one which will surely
earn me a spot in hell.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.” The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” The slightly concerned mother says, “Sure, why do you ask?”
The daughter says, “Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.
September 14, 2018
After watching Perry Mason last night I nodded off on the couch
only to be awakened a few hours later by a strange sensation. As
I jumped up it became clear the wifes new kitten had taken a
liking to face and decided to lick my nose.
Nothing like going from sound asleep to wide awake in less than
a second. Not knowing what was doing odd things to face instinct
kicked in and the kitten went flying. After insuring no harm had
come to the tiny creature I returned to dreamland.
Yup, you guessed it. Not 20 minutes later this same creature
decided I needed more attention and started licking my elbow!’
Once again I came up fighting but the devious little cat missed
all my wrath as she is faster than this old-fart.
So I took the deranged miniature cat over to the wife and sat it
down beside believing my problem was solved. Oh no. Just as I was
getting into a good dream the demon came back. This time the evil
being decided my foot needed licking and went to work on my toes!
I again took the offending feline to the wifes sleeping form
and nestled her beside the wife. The kitten looked to be getting
settled and I thought my troubles were over. This evil incarnate
decided to go to work on my nose again. I could have just gotten
up, got dressed, and started the day.
But I am not a quitter. So I got comfortable and set the cat in
front of me while petting it to settle it down. That worked and
after spending half the night swatting at an unknown force we
both fell asleep. In what seemed like minutes the wife was
waking me again to inform me we had to go get groceries.
So I began my day running on empty while the kitten is bouncing
around like it slept for 2 days and just got up. Things will get
done today, just on a later and slower timeline. Know I know why
I like dogs.
Enjoy our Friday as it means the weekend is here.
Comments are always welcome.
August 25, 2018
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract—tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
‘We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.’
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
‘Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
‘I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.
‘The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
‘Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you’re satisfied.’
August 18, 2018
Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* “Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”
The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*
“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally,exhausted, she quits.
“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”
August 11, 2018
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”
About half the class rose and came forward.
“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher, “these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”
August 4, 2018
A friend shared the following and even thought we don’t golf
we found it funny. Hope you do as well.
A minister loved to play golf, but his busy schedule rarely allowed. Finally, in desperation, he did the unthinkable: He called in sick one Sunday morning and headed to the golf course instead of church.
Two little angels watched from a treetop as the minister took his first swing from the first tee. As the ball soared high into the air, one of the angels swooped in, caught it and dropped it straight down into the cup for a miraculous hole-in-one.
“What did you do that for?” the other angel asked. “Don’t you think he should be punished for skipping church, not rewarded?”
The other angel smiled sweetly. “Who is he going to tell about the hold-in-one?