Sunday snicker

January 23, 2022

There is a new female organ player at a small church…

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman comes up to the young lady and explains the situation. Heartbroken, the beautiful woman asks if anything can be done to remedy the situation. The old lady smiles and tells her to go to the store and buy some lemons. “Rub one lemon half on each breast every night before bed, your breasts will shrink but you’ll be able to keep playing.” The young woman, relieved, goes away and follows the old woman’s advice.

The next week, after worship, the pastor steps up to the pulpit. He says,

“Due to thircumstanthes beyond my control, we won’t be having a thermon thith week.”

Sunday snicker

January 9, 2022

A blonde visits her brunette friend at her home and finds out that she’s sick.
The brunette asks “Could you please call the doctor? I’m too sick to go on the phone.”

She does so, and calls a doctor. When the doctor comes and visits, the brunette finds out he is a veterinarian.

Confused, the brunette asks, “Why did you call a veterinarian to come see me?”

And the blonde says, “Well I didn’t think his religion would make a difference.”

Sunday snicker

January 2, 2022

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church
“Please, please, please, let me win the lottery”

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

“Please, please, please, let me win the lottery”

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of light and heavenly music and then bends over, looks the man in the face and speaks:

“Please, please, PLEASE buy a lottery ticket!”

Sunday snicker

December 19, 2021

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion
“What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, I’m next in line for the Monsignor’s job.” replied the Priest.

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Well, next I can become Bishop.” said the Priest.

“Yes, and then?” asked the Rabbi.

“If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it’s possible for me to become an Archbishop.” said the Priest.

“O.K., then what?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated replied, “With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal.”

“And then?” asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, “With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I’m in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope.”

“Yes, and then what?” asked the Rabbi.

“Good grief!” shouted the Priest. “What do you expect me to become, GOD?”

“Well,” said the Rabbi, “One of our boys made it!”

Sunday snicker

December 12, 2021

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.
One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said “My poor friend, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the symbol of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar who sits next to him with the Cross and says, “Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”

Sunday snicker

December 5, 2021

The meaning of Easter

Three guys are converting to Catholicism, to get a feel for how much they know, the priest asks if they know the meaning of Easter.

First guy says “yeah, that’s when Jesus was born.”

“No, that’s Christmas” explains the priest.

Second guy says “that’s when we thank god for everything, with the pilgrims and indians and all that”

“No, that’s Thanksgiving” says the priest.

Third guy says “Easter is when Jesus died, they buried him in a cave with a huge boulder and three days later he rose from the dead…”

The priest interrupts “yes, you two, listen to him, he’s got it. ok, go on.”

The guy continues…so after three days, Jesus rose from the dead, he came out of his tomb, and if he sees his shadow we get three more weeks of winter.”

Sunday snicker

November 14, 2021

An old Catholic man and his old Jewish friend are driving in a car. As they’re driving along, misfortune befalls them and they get into a serious accident. The Catholic man isn’t seriously injured and manages to crawl out of the wrecked car. As he stands, he makes the sign of the cross and quickly thanks God for protecting him.

He then goes to check on his friend and is relieved to see that he, too, is crawling out of the wreckage, but is also astonished to see his friend making the sign of the cross as he collects himself.

The Catholic man says to his friend, “I’ve known you most of my life, and you’ve been a devout Jew the entire time, but now I see you making the sign of the cross. What’s going on?”

The Jewish man responds, “What sign of the cross? I was just checking for the essentials. Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch!”

Sunday snicker

November 7, 2021

A catholic woman walks into confessional. She sits down distressed and takes deep breathes to regain her composure. “Oh father” she says, “I have gravely sinned, I don’t know I can be forgiven”.

“Please speak freely my child” said the priest “only our lord can judge you”.

So she commences. —“Today I was walking to my apartment, and a man lay on the ground looking up my dress, I was so embarrassed”.

“That is Horrible” says the priest.

She continues, “he begged me to jack him father”.

“So what did you do?” Asked the priest.

“Oh I got on my knees and jacked him father, (she starts crying), until my arm became tired and had to switch hands, his face was red as he made grunting noises”.

The priest, flabbergasted, contains his comments and clears his throat.

“He said i was doing it wrong, he asked me to twist father, I was hot and sweaty, but began to twist as I jacked, oh father I’m so ashamed what shall I do?”.

“100 Hail Marys to clear you of your sins, and don’t engage in such acts again” said the priest.

“oh that’s not all father, it gets worse!” Sobbed the woman.

“Oh child how could this get any worse” asked the priest.

“A young handsome man saw what was happening, stopped his car and pulled his out” she said sobbing

Incredulous “He what?” The priest nearly shouted.

“The young man asked me to spread my legs and put it in behind me father, he began pumping quickly….” She takes out some tissue and blows her nose.

“Never has something so lewd been confessed in all my years in this church!” The priest yelled.

“Lewd?” Asked the woman, “father, the mans car fell atop him, as his jack failed. I tried my best to jack the car back up, if it wasn’t for the young man having a jack of his own, the man under the car would’ve been crushed to death”, she sobbed, “what did you think I was talking about father?”.

Sunday snicker

October 31, 2021

A Catholic and a Buddhist were on a quarrel on whose God is more powerful. The Catholic said mine is powerful, the Buddhist said, no, mine is powerful.

They decided to jump off a high building and the one with a powerful God will hit the ground alive. Buddhist jumps and calls Buddha. Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. Hit the ground and lives.

The Catholic jumps and calls Jesus. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. When he nears the ground and sees nothing is happening, he decided to call Buddha, Buddha, Buddha help help. He hits the ground dead.

Moral of the story. Have Faith.

Sunday snicker

October 24, 2021

After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied,

“That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”