Sunday snicker

The wife shared this one, I liked it, so here it is-

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Adam asked.

“Don’t eat the Forbidden Fruit.” God replied.

“Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!”

“No way!”

“Where?”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the ‘First Parent’ asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno,” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“DID so!”

“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own…thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

Sunday snicker

Know this is late, the computer crashed last night and it took a
while to get back online. Lost some data including the snicker I was
going to use today. So here’s an old groaner while we work on the
problem.

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, “What’s wrong with you?”

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, “This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you.
And will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
And never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
“She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”

Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”

God replied, “An arm and a leg.”

Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a rib?”

Sunday snicker

At the vestry meeting, the congregation’s wealthiest member decided to share a portion of his faith story.

“I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:

I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a youth meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

When he finished and sat down, the chair of the stewardship committee leaned over and said: “Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!”

Sunday snicker

A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son, Timmy, walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe.

Her neighbor learned about the mother’s dilemma and offered to follow the young boy to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.

“I’m up early with my toddler anyway; it will be a good way for us to get some exercise as well,” said the neighbor. The relieved mother agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her”?

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”

The friend said, “Well, who is she”?

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied. “And her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us”?

“Well,” Timmy explained. “Every night, my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, because she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!”

Sunday snicker

Pastor Paul had been advised by his doctor to lose 30 pounds or risk serious health consequences. The good pastor took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to the church building to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived for Bible study carrying a gigantic devil’s food cake. The class chuckled and chided him, but the good pastor’s smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special cake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.’

And sure enough,” he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”

Sunday snicker

A little girl from Alabama went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for the Lord’s Supper, she was excited–and hungry. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn’t from Alabama.

“How do you know that, dear?” asked her grandma.

“Because that was the poorest meal I’ve ever seen,” she said. “Mama would’ve at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea.”

Sunday snicker

As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, “Good morning, ladies,” and the novices replied, “Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you.”

But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, “She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, “She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but
Sister Mary added right to her face, “Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
Mother Superior was floored. “Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me.”

Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. “Oh dear, don’t take it personally. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers!”

Sunday snicker

The wife shared this one. It’s an older joke and we may have used it before, but it made me smile.

When my son, William, was young, we belonged to a small country church. On Communion day, deacons would pass around the “bread and juice.” One Sunday, we attended a church out of town that was more formal. What our church called bread and juice, this one referred to as elements, a word William didn’t understand.

As Communion began, the pastor said, “If the deacons will come forward, the elements will pass among us.” William was suddenly excited and I didn’t know why. Then he leaned toward me, whispering something that caused me to burst out laughing. With all eyes on us, I took him by the hand and we made a hasty exit.

All the way to the car, he protested. “Mom, we’re going to miss the circus. The pastor said the elephants were going to pass among us!”

Sunday snicker

Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?”

The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”

St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there?? That’s your car to drive while you’re in heaven.”

The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”

St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in heaven.”

The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”

St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.

The three guys go off on their separate ways.

A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1’s Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar.? They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar.? They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”

He says, “I saw my wife today!”?The other two answer, “That’s great!? What’s the problem?”

He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”

Sunday snicker

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”