Sunday snicker

December 9, 2017

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

“What sort of accountant are you?” says St Peter

“Public Practitioner,” is the reply.

“Name?”

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

“Oh, yes. We’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted span,” says St Peter.

“How can that be?” says the accountant. “I’m too young to go. I’m only forty-eight”

“No, that’s impossible.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well we’ve been looking at your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning you’re at least ninety three.”

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Sunday snicker

December 2, 2017

A friend shared this and it made us smile so we’re sharing it
with you.

In His Wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so
they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other
things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw
that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His Wisdom He made
seniors lose coordination so they would drop things
requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors
would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips
to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked
down and saw that it was good

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more,
remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best
interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts to Remember as You Grow Older

#9 – Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 – Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

#6 – Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they
can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him a sandwich.

#5 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a
person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you
weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

#2 – In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

#1 – Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today
may be a burning issue tomorrow.


Sunday snicker

November 25, 2017

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday moring service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, “That was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor.”

A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much preparation for your message.”

Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, pastor.”

Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.

“Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”


The gold cross

November 24, 2017

I’ve taken pictures of the steeple three blocks from our back
door for some time and noticed after the steeple was re-roofed
the cross was missing when the scaffolding came down. It just
didn’t seem like a real church without the cross.

So imagine my surprise when I stepped outside late Wednesday
morning and noticed a cross once again on the steeple. When I
uploaded the picture the cross looked golden. It has to be
polished brass I thought, and I was wrong.

The old cross was taken down and a new one made in Kentucky
complete with scroll work and balls on the ends. And it turns
out the cross is gold, sort of. The cross is covered with
24-karat gold leaf. Of course since the cross is now gold,
lights will be installed to let everyone see it at night.

As mentioned, the steeple is 3 blocks away so I couldn’t
get a really detailed picture but the ones I got made me
laugh. Who else but a Catholic church would put a gold
cross on top and then have to light it up at night to show it
off 24/7?

All part of multi-million dollar project that saw the
steeple re-roofed, the old school torn down, a 15,000 square
foot reception hall built, new bells in the steeple, and the
gold bird perch called a cross. We may just have to get a
little closer for some better shots.

Enjoy our Friday and if you participate in Black Friday you
have our sympathy. Now I need more coffee.
Comments are always welcome.


Sunday snciker

November 18, 2017

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor replied, “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,”Which service, the 8:00 or the 9:30?”


Sunday snicker

November 11, 2017

Obituary

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one
of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will difficult to
fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of
those years, Someone Else did far more than a normal person’s
share of work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to
teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list.
“Let Someone Else do it.” Whenever leadership was mentioned
this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as
results. “Someone Else can work with the group.”

It is common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most
liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial
need, everyone else assumed Someone Else would make up the
difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing
superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much
of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we
are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who’s
going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else
did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember- we can’t
depend on Someone Else anymore.


Sunday snicker

November 4, 2017

The two-thousand member Baptist church was filled to
overflowing capacity one morning. The preacher was ready to
start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and
black hats entered through the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while
the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then
reached under their coasts and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, “Everyone willing to take a
bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!”

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The
deacons ran out of the door, followed by the choir director and
the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left
sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the
pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the
preacher, “All right pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You
may begin the service.”