March 18, 2017
A man walks into a church one day and kneels down to pray. “Lord,” he says, “I’ve made mistakes, but I’m determined to change. If you let me win the lottery, I promise to be a good servant and never bother you again.”
Nothing happens. So the next week the man tries again. “Please, God, let me win the lottery, and I’ll come to church every week.”
Again nothing happens. So the man decides to try one last time. “Lord,” he implores, “why haven’t I won the lottery? Have you abandoned me?”
Suddenly a deep voice booms down from above. “My son, I have not abandoned you, but at least meet me halfway—buy a ticket!”
March 11, 2017
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
“I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”
“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian.”
“What did you do?” asked the father.
“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the Rabbi.
“And what did he say?” pressed the father.
“God said, ‘Funny you should come to me…’ “
March 5, 2017
Since it’s Sunday we’ll share a bonus snicker. It’s short, but we
think it’s funny so enjoy.
A little girl asked her mother, “Where did people come from?”
Her mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s how all mankind was made.”
A couple of days later she asked her father the same question.
The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, which the human race evolved from.”
The confused little girl returned to her mother and said, “Mommy, how is it possible that you told me that we were created by God, and Daddy said we came from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
March 4, 2017
A little girl was sitting on her granddad’s lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face. After a few times doing this, she finally asked, “Grandpa, were you made by God?”
“Yes, dear.” he replied. “I was made by God a long time ago.”
The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, “And did God make me?”
“Of course, dear.” replied her grandfather. “God made you not long ago.”
The girl felt her own face and then her granddad’s again, thought for a moment and then said, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”
February 25, 2017
This is an older one and I may have posted it before, but the
wife sent it to me and it still made me smile.
The Sunday School lesson for the first graders was on the plan of salvation. The teacher asked, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“No!” all the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “No!”
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get to heaven?”
One boy confidently answered, “You’ve gotta be dead!”
February 18, 2017
I was in church with my friend last Christmas Day and as we walked out the preacher was as usual standing by the exit shaking hands as people left.
As he shook my friend’s hand, he took him to one side and said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord, my son.”.
My friend said, “But I’m already in the Army of the Lord.”
The preacher said to him, “Then why do I never see you in Church save for Easter and Christmas?”
My friend replied, “I’m in the secret service.”
February 11, 2017
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish.
The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”