Sunday snicker

July 21, 2018

One Sunday a cowboy went to church …

When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay.”

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Sunday snicker

July 14, 2018

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the woman you were with?”

“Sure and I can’t be telling you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Patricia Kelly?”

“I’ll never tell.”

“Was it Liz Shannon?”

“I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.”

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

Tommy grinned. “Three month’s vacation and five good leads!”


Sunday snicker

July 7, 2018

At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.

“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.

“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor,
etc.,” said his father.

“Okay” the boy said.

“Dear Lord… Thank you for the visitors and their children,
who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they
won’t come again. Forgive our neighbor’s son who removed my
sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming
Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my
Daddy’s Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide
shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is
at work. AMEN.”

Dinner was cancelled.


Sunday snicker

June 30, 2018

When I started the Sunday snicker segment of this blog on
October 3, 2015 I didn’t think it would be around this long. So
in celebration of the snicker here is the very first Sunday
snicker.
——————————————————

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree
by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up
a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out
of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,”
said one boy.

The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the
fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy.
As he passed he thought he heard voices from inside
the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure
enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me.”

He knew what it was. “Oh, my!” he shuddered, “It’s
Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the
cemetery!” He cycled down the road as fast as he
could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

“Come quick!” said the boy. “You won’t believe what I
heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery
dividing the souls.”

The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding
it hard to walk as it is!”

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence he heard, “One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me…”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling the
truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.”

Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
they were still unable to see anything. The old man
and the boy gripped the wrought ironbars of the fence
tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse
of Satan. At last they heard, “One for you, one for
me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s
go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes
before the boy.


Sunday snicker

June 23, 2018

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and it started to thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Although it hadn’t begun to rain, thunder and lightning began cutting through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother’s car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, “What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?”

The child answered, “I stop and smile because God keeps taking my picture.”


Sunday snicker

June 16, 2018

The Congregation And The Big Donation

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people.

He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $ 1,000 bill in offering.

He was so excited that he was in love with the people.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady, all the way in the back shyly raised her hand.

The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor.

He told her how wonderful she was.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”


And the headline says…

June 13, 2018

Concertgoer gets head stuck in tailpipe at Winstock.

Sometimes I need a laugh and cruise the internet looking for a
headline that just sounds to funny to be true. In this case I
feel sorry for the young lady involved who got her 15 minutes of
fame in this manner.

She is 18 years old, got drunk at a Country Music Festival, and
somehow ended up with her head stuck in a tailpipe! On top of
the humiliation of the headline going viral this young lady also
faces criminal charges. Mainly for being a minor while
intoxicated.

There but for the grace of God….

Another story stated that the firemen cut off a section of said
tailpipe, she was loaded into a ambulance with it still on her
head, and the offending exhaust part was removed at a hospital.

Enjoy our Wednesday and click on the link if you wish to see
more. Now for more coffee and a few burritos.
Comments are always welcome.