Sunday snicker

June 24, 2017

A friend shared this one and it made us laugh so here it is.
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At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “Irving, I need a favor – I’m sleeping with the rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?”

Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to with all this?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi “I’m sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied.”

The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder, said “Irving I think you’d better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!”


Sunday snicker

June 17, 2017

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgement, the pastor said forcefully, “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement.”

Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!”

The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: “Each member of this church is going to die and face judgement!!!” Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile.

Finally the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, “I said each member of this church is going to die!” The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. “I don’t get it,” the preacher said in frustration. “Whenever I said, ‘Each member of this church is going to die,’ your smile got bigger. Why?”

“I’m not a member of this church,” the man replied.


Sunday snicker

June 10, 2017

A nun and a priest decide to take a day off, so they go golfing.

The nun gets a hole-in-one, but the priest hits it into a sand trap. He’s so angry, he shouts, “God dammit, I missed!”

The nun reminds him not to take the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest apologizes and tries again.

He hits the ball into the rough, and in his anger, once again shouts “God dammit, I MISSED!”

“Father, please, you must stop taking the Lord’s name in vain!” the nun pleads. He apologizes.

On his third shot, he hits it into the water and yells “GOD DAMMIT, I MISSED!” and before the nun can say anything, a bolt of lightning strikes her, killing her instantly.

Out of nowhere, a loud voice booms, “God dammit, I missed!”


Sunday snicker

June 3, 2017

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attetion, the man says, “Sure, ok.”

So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

“Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”

Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”


Sunday snicker

May 27, 2017

A friend shared the following and since we heard no news that
he burst into flames, and we laughed, here it is….

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners.
You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man admitted.

“What happened?” inquired the pastor.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.

“That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”


Sunday snicker

May 20, 2017

I’m probably going to hell for this, but will share it anyway
because it made me laugh. Enjoy

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to
replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older gent suggested the young one accompany him
on his rounds so the community could become used to
a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a
little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the
amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the
trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even
examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis
so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over
to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty sneaky. I think
I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with an elderly woman.

She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she
once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,”
the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back
a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed.”


Sunday snicker

May 13, 2017

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?