October 20, 2018
We couldn’t find a new religious funny so thought we’d share the
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped “I found it alright. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
October 13, 2018
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy” she said “Can we leave now?” “No” her mother replied. “Well, I think I have to throw up!” “Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.”
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. “Did you throw up?” her mother asked. “Yes” the little girl replied. “Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?” “I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy” the little girl replied, “They have a box next to the front door that says ‘for the sick’.”
October 6, 2018
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, “In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.”
“Give me infinite wisdom!” declares the dean, without hesitation.
“Done!” says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke.
All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. “Well,” says a colleague, “say something brilliant.”
The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, “I should have taken the money.”
September 29, 2018
A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he’s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. “Yes” is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says “Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama,” goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says “Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They’ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!”
September 22, 2018
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis.
Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there’s some cool music playing. After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: “Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I’m the devil. As you’re gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me.”
The guy still doesn’t really understand what’s going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there’s games, party and fun all around.
Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there’s fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says “Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!”
The devil laughs and says “Oh, that. That’s the Catholics – they want it that way.”
September 15, 2018
While on vacation we couldn’t do the snickers so to
make up for it we present this one which will surely
earn me a spot in hell.
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did, and his nose warmed up. The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.” The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” The slightly concerned mother says, “Sure, why do you ask?”
The daughter says, “Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.
September 14, 2018
After watching Perry Mason last night I nodded off on the couch
only to be awakened a few hours later by a strange sensation. As
I jumped up it became clear the wifes new kitten had taken a
liking to face and decided to lick my nose.
Nothing like going from sound asleep to wide awake in less than
a second. Not knowing what was doing odd things to face instinct
kicked in and the kitten went flying. After insuring no harm had
come to the tiny creature I returned to dreamland.
Yup, you guessed it. Not 20 minutes later this same creature
decided I needed more attention and started licking my elbow!’
Once again I came up fighting but the devious little cat missed
all my wrath as she is faster than this old-fart.
So I took the deranged miniature cat over to the wife and sat it
down beside believing my problem was solved. Oh no. Just as I was
getting into a good dream the demon came back. This time the evil
being decided my foot needed licking and went to work on my toes!
I again took the offending feline to the wifes sleeping form
and nestled her beside the wife. The kitten looked to be getting
settled and I thought my troubles were over. This evil incarnate
decided to go to work on my nose again. I could have just gotten
up, got dressed, and started the day.
But I am not a quitter. So I got comfortable and set the cat in
front of me while petting it to settle it down. That worked and
after spending half the night swatting at an unknown force we
both fell asleep. In what seemed like minutes the wife was
waking me again to inform me we had to go get groceries.
So I began my day running on empty while the kitten is bouncing
around like it slept for 2 days and just got up. Things will get
done today, just on a later and slower timeline. Know I know why
I like dogs.
Enjoy our Friday as it means the weekend is here.
Comments are always welcome.