Sunday snicker

August 12, 2017

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn’t know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, “You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “This is what you sent to help me?” But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”

He said, “Sure”. He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour.”

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, “Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!”


Sunday snicker

August 5, 2017

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here.


A different snicker

July 30, 2017

Sent by friend, made us laugh, and not religious or politically
correct, so we had to share it.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

And whose given name was ‘Onestone’.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,

‘If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

‘Good morning, Onestone.’

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
until…

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on… Take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows..

You can’t kill Two Birds

With

OneStone!!!


Sunday snicker

July 29, 2017

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Quickly, God was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Then God said, “Let there be light!”

Immediately, the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a large ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, and that he would obtain a building permit and to conserve energy, He would have the light out half the time. God agreed and offered to call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night”. The officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth put forth vegetation, plant yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit.”

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, “Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth.”

The officials pointed out that this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubon Society. Everything was okay until God said the project would be completed in six days. The officials said it would take at least two hundred days to review the applications and the impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be ten to twelve months before…

At this point God created Hell.


Sunday snicker

July 22, 2017

Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk in front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.

“May the first person come.” He said

“Hello, Saint Peter.” said the first person.

“State you name and tell me how you spent your life.” he said.

“Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.”

“Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.”

And off the nun went.

“Next.” said Saint Peter. “How did you spend your life.”

“I spent my life like a normal human being.” another woman said. “I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious.”

“Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now.” he said. “Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?”

“Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night.” said a beautiful Girl.

“Here is a key made of Copper.” he said.

“Is that the key to Hell?!”

“No, thst is the key, for my apartment.”


Misunderstanding snicker

July 16, 2017

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

“Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?” she asked.

“Yeth.” lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.”


Sunday snicker

July 15, 2017

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

‘Certainly, Father,’ was the man’s reply.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’