Sunday snicker

May 20, 2017

I’m probably going to hell for this, but will share it anyway
because it made me laugh. Enjoy

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to
replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older gent suggested the young one accompany him
on his rounds so the community could become used to
a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a
little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the
amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the
trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even
examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis
so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my
stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over
to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in
the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty sneaky. I think
I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes
talking with an elderly woman.

She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she
once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,”
the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back
a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost
certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my
stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed
the preacher under the bed.”


Sunday snicker

May 13, 2017

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies: “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What!” God exclaims: “You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me.”

“Not a chance,” Satan replies: “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists: “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?


Educational chuckle

May 7, 2017

A friend shared this and it gave us a laugh so we’ll share it
with you. Hope you haven’t seen it.

Units Of Measure

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter= Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup= Won Ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash= 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=
1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God= 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour+
Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer= 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone= 1 Rod Sterling

9. Half a large intestine= 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches= 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis= 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes= a straight line

13. 2,000 mockingbirds= two kilomockingbirds

14. 1 kilogram of falling figs= 1 Fig Newton

15. 1,000 cc’s of wet socks= 1 literhosen

16. 8 nickels= 2 paradigms


Sunday snicker

May 6, 2017

Noah’s Arc, 1999

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, “Okay,” said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.”

Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord, “Where is the Ark?” “Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn’t meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

“Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

“Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire.

“The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years,” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth?” Noah asked hopefully. “No,” said the Lord sadly, “The government already has!”


Sunday snicker

April 29, 2017

Three guys are at the gates of Heaven, and God tells them, “We have a special today! If you died a terrible death, you’re in for free.”

So God asks the first guy his story. “I was a hard working man and a loving husband, but I began to suspect that my wife was cheating on me. One day, I called in sick to work and left for home to hide and closely watch my apartment. I saw a man go in, and I decided to wait a few minutes to catch them in the act. Then, I started banging on my door. They wouldn’t open it, so I broke down the door and walked in to see my wife sitting naked, but the man wasn’t in sight.

I went to the balcony, where I saw a naked man hanging on the edge. I began to stomp on his hands until he fell down, but there were bushes, so I got my fridge and tossed it on him. In the process of tossing the fridge, I also fell over and died.”

God replies, “Wow, that’s pretty bad, finding out your wife cheated and falling off your balcony. You pass.”

The second guy says, “God, my only crime was that I enjoyed dancing naked in my apartment while eating pickles out of the jar. I was doing just that one day, when I slipped on a pickle and fell over my balcony.

Luckily, I was able to grab on to the ledge below mine. After a few minutes, a man came and I thought he was going to rescue me, but he began to stomp on my hands. I fell, but luckily, I fell into the bushes. I thought I had survived, but that man threw a fridge at me and I died!”

God replies, “Wow, that’s very cruel, being crushed to death.”

The third man says, “I died naked in a fridge.”


Sunday snicker

April 22, 2017

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”

Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”

The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”


Easter Sunday Snicker

April 15, 2017

A perfect time to relate what the Bible says about the
internet.
—————————-

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply buying from you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.” And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).