Sunday snicker

God

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I
think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone
did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were
naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors
hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of Eden … Not
sure what they were driven in though, because they
didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother
as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early
people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to
be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah
built a large boat and put his family and some animals
on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they
said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold
Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud
sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name
was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out
of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent
ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father
and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first
Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of
Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a
giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who
had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says
he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by
a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is
the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem
in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because
my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you
born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, ”As a matter
of fact, I was.”)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had
twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus .
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even
preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats
and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed
his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life
again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of
the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.
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Comments are always welcome.

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