Bible misquotes

January 31, 2013

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We don’t know the author of
the following tale, or even
if it is true. We do know it
makes us smile, so we’ll share
it with you.

Judas Asparagus
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what was written:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but GOD, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The LORD thy GOD is one,’ but I think HE must be lot older than that.

Anyway, GOD said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then GOD made the world. HE split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed GOD by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden..

Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after GOD sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

GOD fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then HE gave them HIS Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. JESUS is the star of The New Testament. HE was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During HIS life, JESUS had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

JESUS also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

JESUS was a great man. HE healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put JESUS on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for JESUS. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, JESUS died for our sins, then came back to life again. HE went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. HIS return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

And now we know.
Comments are always welcome.

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Morons in Beamers

January 30, 2013

We were going to use this video of
the Roboplow for a post on engineering,
until today.

The temperature went from 60 and a
little breezy to cold enough to drop
3-4 inches of snow almost overnight.

Because of this I was out shoveling
the global warming off our driveway,
sidewalks and alley today.

I had everything done except the alley,
and was about 30 foot into it when I
heard a car behind me and moved to the
side.

A new BMW was spinning up the alley,
but stopped next to where I was standing.
The passenger side widow came down and
that’s when the driver caused this post.

He looked at me and asked if I was
shoveling snow! I thought to myself, now
here is a guy who has an advanced degree
in the migrating habits of African
Pygmies.

So I looked him in the eye and replied;
no, I’m not shoveling, there is a low
spot in the middle of the alley and I’m
trying to fill it with snow.

For some reason the answer upset him and
and spun tires half-way down the alley.
That’s when I thought of the Roboplow.

I got to thinking that if I built it
heavier, and dropped in a V-8, I could
have pushed him and his Beamer downtown
where it belongs. And that, got me
grinning again.
Comments are always welcome.


Question of meeting

January 29, 2013

bus

Recently the Davenport Community
Improvement Corporation (DCIC) held
a meeting. As usual this prompts even
more questions than we had before.

It was mentioned tha group intended
to hire a lawyer. Where is the money
coming from?

Also iterated was the fact that the
city would have nothing to do with
the running of the Casino.

But with two City officials and the
Police Chief being on the board that
oversees said Casino, it causes one
to wonder.

A vote was taken at this meeting,
and if we understand it right, the
DCIC gave the go ahead to the group
who wants the Casino on the Interstate.

Two City officials removed themselves
from the vote as article 11 of the
by-laws require. This article has to
do with conflict of interest.

But shouldn’t another member have done
the same; being the head of another
non-profit who holds the license?

We are not implying anything illegal
or wrong happened, and we realize this
is a relatively new group.

We are saying that now would be the
time to get the bugs worked out and
all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
Comments are always welcome.


Different spokes

January 29, 2013

You ever sit around wondering what a
cannonball would do to a Saturn? Here’s
the answer.

Or wonder how Snap-On sockets are made?

Sometimes in the car hobby people go
just a little too far to be different.

A humorous look at problem solving, or
the V-8 rocking chair.

Need to test your starter and don’t
know how?

And a few pictures of different rides.

wetr tractor red

Comments are always welcome.


Don’t blame us

January 28, 2013

A few days ago we waxed nostalgic about
the past. We enjoy that in moderation
and moved on to other things.

honor

Then the wife forwarded an email that
had us thinking of good old days once
again. We’ll paraphrase a bit.

Senior citizens get blamed for just
about everything that goes wrong, real
or imagined.

But to clear the air we’d like to point
out that it was not senior citizens who
took

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out or parenthood,
The togetherness out of family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of our cities,
The civility out of society,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

We understand the meaning of patriotism,
remember those who have fought and died
defending our country, and will never
forget.

And we aren’t embarrassed to shed a tear
while standing at attention during the
playing of our National Anthem.

So go ahead and blame us, we gave it
our best, and still contribute to our
society.

We can be the life of the party, at
least until 10 pm.
We can open childproof caps; with a
hammer.
We smile because we can’t hear a word
of your insipid nonsense.
We have our valuables in a safe place
and know it’s safe because we don’t
remember where that is.
I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and twitchy,
and that’s just in one leg!
Every senior citizen looks in the mirror
and wonders when the vibrant youth was
replaced with wrinkles and grey hair.
Just remember, getting older isn’t for
wimps.

We hope America blesses God, God blesses
America, and Congress gets recycled.
Comments are always welcome.


Strange looking warbird

January 27, 2013

A friend passed along a recently
released video about testing an F-35B
aboard the USS Wasp.

It is a stealth, super-sonic version
of the Lockheed Martin F-35 Lightning
II.

The F-35B is a short takeoff and
vertical landing (STOVL) variant which
holds about 30% less fuel than F-35A
because of the vertical flight system.

The F-35B is 51.3 feet long, has a
wingspan of 35 feet, weight is 32,300
pounds empty, has a range of 900 nmi,
and a combat radius of 469 nmi.

An F-35B can do vertical landings as
the jet nozzles are adjustable. The
nozzles were designed to spread the
output in an oval pattern as opposed
to circular to limit the damage to the
asphalt decks of Aircraft Carriers.

The Marine Corps expect to declare
initial operating capability with 50
F-35Bs sometime in 2014-1015.

The Marines are planning to use these
jets on unimproved surfaces at austere
bases and also at special high-temperature
concrete runways.
Comments are always welcome.


Remember when?

January 26, 2013

phone

Some commenters claim we complain about
things too much, and it may appear that
way at times, but there is a reason for
our actions.

An email from a friend was a gentle
reminder of those reasons. While I am
not using a walker or Depends, at times I do feel old.

This is due in part because of all the
wonderful things that have come to be
since I was born.

In the year I was born there was no
television, penicillin, frozen food,
contact lenses, cell phones, or Frisbees.

We couldn’t use credit cards, laser
beams, or ball point pens because
there weren’t any.

Clothes were hung on lines to dry,
a fan was our air conditioner, and the
dishwasher was whoever did them in
the sink.

Pantyhose, electric typewriters, tape
decks, CD’s, and FM radio weren’t
invented yet.

Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and
instant coffee were unheard of. We had
Five and Dime stores that actually sold
things for nickels and dimes!

An ice-cream cone, a phone call, ride
on a bus, or a soda would set you back
a whole nickel.

Man hadn’t gone to the Moon, couples
got married before they lived together,
and our lives were led according to the
Ten Commandments, good judgement,
and common sense.

This was before gay-rights, men wearing
earrings, computers, day care centers,
or group therapy.

Kids referred to elders as Sir or Maam,
we took responsibility for our actions,
and serving our Country was almost
as big a privilege as living in it.

Back then “grass” was mowed, “coke” was
a cool drink, “pot” was what dinner got
cooked in, “Aids” helped out the teacher,
a “chip” was a piece of wood, and fast
food was what Catholics ate during lent.

Sadly, my generation appears to be the
last to believe a woman needed a husband
to have a baby, that all females deserve
respect, or that the older generation is
a treasure not a burden.

We have seen a lot of change both in
technology and society. So, how old to
think I am?

I was born in 1951 and I am now 61 years
old.
Comments are always welcome.